Another week and I actually feel like crap today and well, last week I took a micro break from social media and it looks like I'm gonna have to take it again because my Instagram habits have changed since I stopped following 9gag, and scrolling through explore involves coming across random pictures of random people and what they're doing in their lives and it makes me feel bad about my own. Also, I don't think Tumblr is adding to my happiness but instead adding to my feelings of failure. Ugh, what an intro. All I wanted to do was present an old project from earlier this dumb bummer summer that isn't even finished but I don't know when I will finish it with these moods so I scanned it now:
Basically just tweaking Aidan's design a bit. I'm not so sure about his casual hair, that's liable to change when I figure out what I want exactly and practice it more, but yeah. The day I can do digital stuff again, I'd like to take his Hothead form down in the lower right and make it into a bookmark, for me first and if anybody even cares, then I'll offer them for sale too. I need to do this for my other OCs as well, but I started with Aidan cuz he's my Irish boy (so is Mike, but Mike's American) and I've been fascinated with Ireland again.
I am really starting to have these feelings of worthlessness, failure (especially in how my life is nowhere near what I wanted it to be), and being trapped. I think what I need is a drastic change, a change I can't afford because I have no money and my family can barely afford everything we've got, much less help me out with my emotional needs. So, as much as I want to move out because I don't think my current surroundings are helping me and contributing to my emotional turmoil, I can't. I am trying so hard to not let it bother me but it just does, and isolating myself may not actually solve my problems but having to hear news of weddings, supposedly happy couples, baby news, that sort of thing brings me down because it's something I've wanted for a long time but I don't have it. At all. I create all these fake people with fake stories that have happy endings but I am feeling a lot like I won't have one. I really do not know what to do. I can't get a job even though I fill out applications to starter jobs like Publix and Target. I couldn't get an online savings account. My love life is nonexistent, or as the FRIENDS theme says, DOA. I have issues with the passing of time and my age because of all the nothing in my life and then people I have known for years ask me about school. Excuse me? I left school a long time ago. I already graduated, I just didn't throw a party like I wanted because my dad had to go and break his stupid elbow that summer. I stopped liking school when I was thirteen, so I made no plans to continue schooling and it's rather insulting when people ask me if I'm out of school or if I'm ready to go back to school. That also points to them thinking I'm much younger, again insulting because I am legally old enough to drink alcohol. My mom tells me I have to wear makeup in order to get a boyfriend and for people to stop confusing me with a teenager but I don't care for makeup. It looks pretty and all, but I don't care for putting it on and putting on a fake face just to impress people, especially men. I did the bit of ironing my hair on a regular basis and looking pretty for a guy, and the IDIOT would compliment me but then he got himself a girlfriend from Orlando. He's not with that chic anymore but he found himself someone else again. And then another guy that I realized I liked this year? I sent him a message asking him to explain his behavior around and towards me and he tells my dad that marriage is not his goal at this present time. Was he going to date my dad if he was interested? You see why I feel the need for a drastic change? I'm not happy with my life the way it is and there are too many reminders.
I am so sorry for the rant but when I tell my mom, she just gives me the same old advice and making me feel like it's all my fault, and I feel like I have no friends so who else am I going to tell? Also, it serves as an explanation for erratic behavior since my emotions are erratic. If I could snap my fingers and end this misery, I would. I hope you are doing better off.
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